When I was seven or eight years old, my mother gave me a cloth-and-porcelain doll she’d loved as a girl. I loved that doll, despite the arm falling off at the seam. My mother sewed a new arm on her.

My doll was my baby. I put her in a doll crib at the foot of my bed. I changed her clothes. I rocked her to “sleep.” She “napped.”

At some point, I moved on and left her in my closet. She’s still there somewhere.

Almost nine months ago, my firstborn son was born. I admit that I did try every single newborn outfit on him within the first days, just because he was the most adorable baby I’d ever seen, better than any doll. But I love him. I rocked him to sleep, day and night.

Now that he’s squirming and crawling, he’s less doll-like. But he’s perfect, and caring for him is my life every day, 24 hours a day. Even when I get a break, I am thinking about him, worrying about him, loving him. I’m constantly writing things to him and about him, in my mind.

At some point in my life, I’ll probably go back to work. I may write a book: fiction, nonfiction, who knows at this point. When you turn to the About the Author page, you’ll probably see my picture with a description like this:

Rebecca Reid is the proud mother of — and the wife of —. She loves her family with all her life.

It won’t be unusual, though, because everything in the book, fiction or nonfiction, will relate to motherhood, family relationships, and the love of a mother for her child. That is my line now, but it is also my imagined happy ending.

True response to Write on Wednesdays: What is Your Line?, Write Anything: About the Author page, and Sunday Scribblings: Endings.

Fictional response loosely based on [Fiction] Friday prompt: Tell about someone who is obsessed.

We moved next door to the Bismarks two weeks before I began my sophomore year. Mom and I had been through a painful year since Dad had left her, and we really felt a move was necessary: A new beginning without the painful place memories. I don’t know if I preferred the fact that Dad was now a state away or if I missed him too much. I was mad at him, but I still loved him, of course.

I knew something was odd about the neighbors from the beginning. On moving day, I was carrying a box of my mother’s books (one of the 15 boxes) out the car when I noticed the tinted windows. When I did a double take, I noticed the heavy blinds and curtains. I saw one blind flutter, but only slightly.

“What do you know about the neighbors?” I asked my mom when I entered the kitchen. I’d taken the box of books upstairs to her library, wishing with each step that we had purchased a ranch house like the neighbors’. Mom was trying, unsuccessfully, to open a box labeled “KITC MISC” with her fingernails. I tossed our car keys to her.

I watched as she slid the key through the tape and popped the box open. For some reason, I couldn’t stop thinking about the odd, tinted windows.

“Ah ha!” she said proudly as she extricated an egg beater from the box and held it up to show me. “Finally!”

“So, the neighbors…” I started again.

“Oh, the realtor said the Bismarks are a little odd but good neighbors,” she said off handedly, pulling out more kitchen utensils. “And they have a little girl.” She smiled and nodded to me.

I’d spent nearly every afternoon freshman year watching five-year-old Lizzy Johnson; a good gig, but a bit exhausting by the end of the year.

“I think I saw her watching,” I said, nodding. I wasn’t sure I wanted another regular babysitting job. It was fine for a freshman, but for sophomore year I was hoping for more of a social life than five-year-old Lizzy Johnson.

“I’ll bake something for you to take over,” Mom said, unpacking the measuring spoons.

I rolled my eyes. My mom is a compulsive baker and the fact that we were surrounded by unpacked boxes in a still-partially furnished home didn’t stop her, it only encouraged her. She had to have her home-cooked goodness for the neighbors!

When Mom handed me a carefully covered plate of cookies a few days later, I was glad. I’d spent so much time inside unpacking and setting up the house that I was eager to get out. Besides, I didn’t know anyone, so I was on my own until school began.

The door only opened a crack when I knocked. Beverly Bismark peered out, just barely. There were bags under her bright green eyes, and her smile looked uncomfortable. I don’t think she was more than 35, but the wrinkles on her forehead and the graying hair made her look ten years older. I could barely see beyond her into the darkness of her home.

“I brought you these cookies,” I began. “We just moved in next door.”

She nodded and eyed the cookies.

“I’m sorry,” she began. “I’m afraid there may be traces of nuts.”

“Well, actually, they are chocolate chip,” I said, extending the plate toward her. I was glad my mom hadn’t made banana nut, which were my personal favorite.

“Well, you see, I have a little girl,” she said in a matter-of-fact way, as if that explained it. She motioned the plate away.

She didn’t expound further. I apologized that we hadn’t known her girl was allergic to nuts.

She looked surprised as she explained that no, Elsa wasn’t allergic as far as she knew, but they weren’t taking any chances until she was a bit older: “The longer you wait, the less risk of a nut allergy developing. Obviously, nut allergies can be quite serious. I’m not taking any chances with my little girl’s life.”

Turns out Elsa was 7. I’d heard of paranoid parents, but that was a bit much for me.

I finally met Elsa a few weeks later. The semester had started and I’d finally met some people. But when Mom told me she’d bragged to Mrs. Bismark about my babysitting abilities and Mrs. Bismark had mentioned babysitting that Saturday night, I was eager for the spending money.

Mom had given her the names and numbers of the Johnsons and about four other families I’d babysat in Springvale. Mrs. Bismark had called them all. Apparently, none of them revealed any of my babysitting mistakes, because Saturday night at 6, I was ringing the Bismark’s bell.

Even though I spent just a few minutes (okay, more like 15 minutes) with Beverly Bismark, I could tell she was a bit uptight. She had a fifteen-page printed booklet with information and emergency phone numbers about Elsa’s care. She walked me through the entire house showing me the fire extinguishers, fire blankets, and the first aid kits in each room (yes, each room).

I confess now, I didn’t read the booklet.

Mr. Bismark (I never did learn his first name), on the other hand, stood patiently by the front door, his wife’s coat in hand, waiting for her to finish her routine. I could sense he was eager to leave.

Elsa’s green eyes peered from behind the door to her bedroom, just as her mother had out of the front door. When she emerged completely, all elbows and stringy red hair, I sensed her reluctance to let me stay with her. Mrs. Bismark could hardly stand to leave us. With Elsa quietly avoiding me and Mrs. Bismark sturdily repeating “I trust you, I trust you,” I wasn’t sure what to expect from the evening.

When the Bismarks finally left, Beverly shouting out last minute instructions even as the car drove away, I turned to Elsa, who was watching me.

Here goes! I thought to myself.

I don’t know how to explain the rest of the evening. Elsa loosened up rather well, but I felt like I just kept having the most bizarre conversations. For example, we went to the kitchen to make Elsa’s dinner. A leftover organic pasta dish of some sort was labeled in the fridge. When I headed for the microwave, Elsa stopped me.

“No!” she nearly shouted. “You can’t microwave that!”

I must have looked confused. When I stopped and looked at her, she clarified.

“Obviously, you can’t microwave things for children,” she explained as if I knew nothing. “The waves in a microwave are very bad.”

I think I must have nodded. Regardless, I reheated the food on the stove.

Mrs. Bismark called the first time while we were eating dinner. She’d forgotten to tell me not to use the microwave and she wanted to make sure I’d seen it in the booklet. I assured her all was well, and encouraged her to enjoy their business dinner.

Elsa piled her food in her mouth, almost inhaling it. It was amazing to watch. I think she must have been eager to eat without her mother correcting her manners.

I asked her about school, since the year had just begun.

“My mom’s my teacher,” she replied with a full mouth. “I can’t go school.”

“Why?” I asked, surprised. I hadn’t realized she was home schooled as well. Did she ever leave the tinted-window house?

“Well, for one, the playground is not safe. She thinks I’m going to fall and die.” Now Elsa glared at me, as if daring me to agree. “I won’t, you know. I don’t like heights. I’d stay on the ground.”

I nodded and assured her I knew that.

“Let’s go outside,” I suggested when she finished eating. The Bismarks had a long but shallow backyard. It was fenced. Surely there was nothing forbidden about that. She nodded and stood up.

“Just a minute,” she said. She rushed to her room, while I put the dishes in the sink. When she returned, she had on a hat and sunglasses. Apparently, her mother was concerned that she’d get sunburned. Even when I pointed out that the sun was in the process of setting, she wouldn’t take them off.

“You’re not a redhead; you don’t understand,” she said stubbornly. “I could get really sick if I get too much sun.”

We played catch for a while with an inflatable globe I found in Elsa’s room. It didn’t work too well, but at least I got Elsa laughing. When the sun had mostly gone down, Elsa insisted we return inside. (”Mosquitoes can make you really sick, you know.”)

Later, Elsa explained that she couldn’t take a bath, only a shower, because there was a chance she’d drown in a bath, even in just a few inches. She couldn’t read in her bedroom because the lights were bad and she’d go blind. Her lists of forbidden activities just grew longer. Mrs. Bismark called twice more to check in.

Eventually, Elsa was asleep. And at 9:30, the Bismarks returned home. I thanked them and tried to give Mrs. Bismark the minute-by-minute rundown of our evening that she wanted. She didn’t seem happy that we’d gone outside, but I assured her that Elsa had worn her hat and glasses. Finally, I escaped the Bismarks’ clutches.

I never babysat Elsa again. The next few times they called, I had other plans; I’d just gotten my driver’s license after all. And by the next spring, they had their house with the tinted windows up for sale. Mom told me that the Bismarks were divorcing.

I thought of my dad, who I was still mad at but who I missed so much. And I felt the deep ache in my heart when I thought of skinny little Elsa Bismark trying to explain to herself why she can’t see her parents together anymore.

Apparently, Mrs. Bismark’s obsession with keeping Elsa safe couldn’t stop pain and reality from entering Elsa’s life.

There is always a shadow of truth in fiction. Lately, I’ve found I’ve been “obsessed” with ways my eight-month-old could die: drown in the bathtub, choke on his dinner, fall down the stairs. This story is my reminder to lighten up! I can never completely protect him: here’s a deep thought from Finding Nemo.

Marlin: I promised I’d never let anything happen to him.
Dory: Hmm. That’s a funny thing to promise.
Marlin: What?
Dory: Well, you can’t never let anything happen to him. Then nothing would ever happen to him. Not much fun for little Harpo.

I was the only girl dressed as a knight.

You can blame it on the fact that I had two older brothers. They’d also participated in the sixth grade medieval banquet: my mother had already made a knight’s costume. Of course that’s what I wore.

The costume was made of felt: two bright orange and two bright red squares. On the orange squares were red lions. On my head I wore a red felt helmet. I had an aluminum foil-covered cardboard sword and shield. Nevermind that if someone actually attacked me the felt wouldn’t protect me at all.

I didn’t care that I was a knight until I saw that I was the only girl dressed as one: every other girl in sixth grade showed up to the medieval banquet as a princess.

The medieval banquet was the end of our lengthy unit on chivalry and medieval times, the culmination of six weeks of learning. Fifteen years later, I can only recall two things about the medieval unit:

1. The banquet at which I was the only girl with a cardboard sword

2. The motto I created for my carefully designed family coat of arms

I don’t recall to what purpose we designed a coat of arms. I suppose illustrating a coat of arms has something to do with medieval times. I remember that mine had four small illustrations and a motto. I don’t remember what I drew; all I remember is the motto.

Never Quit.

I had asked my mother to help me with my coat of arms. She was the one that encouraged me to write “Never Quit” at the top of it as the motto.

“Isn’t that what we do in our family?” she asked me. “We hang in there?”

I nodded and wrote it down. Now, in retrospect, I realize that “never quit” is a perfect motto for me. Having insane discipline to persevere has been my life curse and blessing.

Some of the Curses

• When I got a term paper assignment on the first day of a term, I began research. This means I spent four months agonizing about it, instead of two weeks or two days like everyone else.
• When I had two weeks to read every page of Moby-Dick, I did it, not even skipping the whale blubber passages. I didn’t lie on the test, either, when I checked the box that said “Yes, I read the entire book.”
• When I had a chance to go to the Philippines for a weekend with my husband for free, I declined because I had told my church group I’d be there to help the children prepare their musical presentation. I couldn’t let them down.

Some of the Blessings

• When I was on the summer swim team, I swam a very slow butterfly. In the 50 meter race at one Saturday meet, I was definitely the last one to finish in my heat. But I did it correctly. When the five other girls in the heat were disqualified for incorrect strokes, I ended up with the first place ribbon.
• When I don’t like my cooking, I try again. Sometimes it tastes better, sometimes not. But I can tell that I’m improving. My husband says I’m the best cook he knows (although he may be biased).
• When I faced horrible depression in college, I got up each morning and went on with my day, smiling as best I could. I took one step in front of the other to get where I needed to be. Ultimately, I made it through. One day I found I got up without having to tell myself to get up.
• When I thought I would die from pain and discomfort during labor, I didn’t give up and instead I gave birth to my son.

I’m becoming less rigid when it comes to discipline in some things. For example, I have no problem putting off cleaning the house! Also, after one class of graduate school, I quit, wholly and completely. I wasn’t going to like it, so I decided I wouldn’t continue it for $2,000 a class. I’ve determined the same thing attitude with books: if I don’t like it, I won’t finish it. It is so refreshing to quit something insignificant every now and then.

Ultimately, though, I’m glad I’m disciplined; I’m glad I hold myself to the standard “never quit” (albeit with some caveats). Even the curses listed above have blessings attached to them: I didn’t procrastinate some things, I could answer honestly and not sacrifice my integrity, I could be trusted to follow through on what I said I’d do.

While it was my sixth grade teachers that encouraged me to declare a motto, it was my mother that instilled it in me.

I look at my mother now, persevering to the end of one of her life goals: a PhD, earned one class at a time, one year at a time, first while being a full-time mom and then while being a full-time teacher. I am so proud of my mother, PhD. She practices what she taught me: Never quit.

That is why “never quit” has stayed with me all these years: my mother. I remember a felt knight’s costume, carefully made by my mother.

To my mother.

(True but loose response to Write Anything Bright Stuff #482: Discipline.)

My memoir in six words:

Learned to read, Reid-ed, still reading.

Fiction response to Write Anything prompt for Picture This

I knew it was wrong to marry him. But he promised me riches and comfort, and it was easy to believe as I watched him pay $400 for my nine-course meal at the nicest restaurant in town. We would be so happy together, he said, as he added me to his credit card account. We’d never see the bill: it was covered by his employer in total, no questions asked.

In the end, he convinced me. It was partly all the fancy dining he treated me to, with the season of box seats at the opera. But I wanted that four-bedroom home with the manicured garden and gourmet kitchen. I wanted the brand-new BMW every year, complete with a new car smell. I wanted the free travel around the world, and I certainly wanted the comfy leather chair in the library with unlimited books. He had his employer write it all into the marriage contract. But I know now I should have read the fine print.

We found the perfect house. It had a white picket fence in the back yard. During his first two weeks’ leave, we decided on paint colors for the walls. During his next leave, we married and moved in. I was so happy.

It was not very long before our baby was on the way. I was still getting used to all the household servants (I didn’t like telling them what to do and kept apologizing) and I was still building the library. But it was a perfect excuse to add pregnancy self-help books and children’s books to the shelves. I was excited to find that it was a girl. I bought pink bows and dresses for her. I canceled our trip to London and painted the nursery lavender. His employer gave him five years local work so he wouldn’t be away. We would have a wonderful little family.

I realized in the hospital that something wasn’t quite right. He took her away from me after the first night. I asked him to bring her to me, and he started talking to me about protocol. I was a bit exhausted from the labor, so I did enjoy a little rest and pampering. But by the end of the first week, I was ready to see her a lot more than I had seen her!

It was then that he got out the marriage contract and showed me the fine print. I thought the Rumpelstilskin Program was about being a soldier for life in exchange for every comfort you could imagine.

I didn’t realize it meant my daughter’s life, too.

I’m sitting now in my chair. Twenty books are on my side table, but I can’t bring myself to read any of them. Kate is about to bring in my supper, but I don’t have much of an appetite. The house is immaculate—all four-bedrooms—and the flower garden is perfectly groomed. I believe the lilacs are out this week, but I haven’t walked in the garden all spring. I have a new Mercedes in the driveway, but it still has only 78 miles on it.

They will be home from work late tonight. That is why I sit and look at their photograph: my husband and my daughter, Soldiers.

Yes, they have a good relationship. They work together most of the day, Daddy showing her how to do the job she will have to do for the rest of her life.

She thinks it’s a game. I am dreading the day when she finds out it is not.

I scrawled in five-year-old writing on the cover (The Three Little Pigs) and on the last page (THE END). For the other pages, my mother was my scribe. She wrote my words on ruler-straight lines underneath my crayon illustrations. Then, I took a stapler and bound my first book together. My first experiment with the written word—my written word—was thus published for all to see. Although I simply retold a story, for the first time I had expressed my own creativity through the written word.

Then, in first grade, my teacher gave me lined pages. I wrote my stories carefully on the lines. These stories were no longer simple retellings, but my own creations. The class published them at the elementary school publishing center: plastic comb bindings.

At home in the afternoons, my classmate, neighbor, and friend became my co-writer and illustrator. We sat, side-by-side, at a plastic blue Smurf table. Together, we wrote and illustrated stories set in all times and settings—from orphans in our day to dinosaurs that traveled through space and time. I wrote words. She drew pictures. She wrote words. I drew pictures. We stapled the pages together.

As I moved through school, our Smurf table publishing world came to an end, and the elementary school publishing center was no longer a monthly destination. But my interest in the written word remained at my core. Anytime anything even remotely interesting happened in my family, I produced another issue of the Family Tribune and delivered it to every member of my family and to my grandparents who were far way. I wrote a play and my friends and I acted in it. I wrote stories and half of a novel. Then, come high school and college, I wrote term paper after term paper.

Now I write for myself, I write for my family, and I share my words online. I suppose writing on a webpage is much like stapling my books: it’s not professional, and few will read my words. But the words are mine. As I improve my ability to write, I will better find my voice for expressing my own experiences—whether those experiences focus on travel adventures, nonfiction research, or the creative explorations of my imagination.

Someday, my words will be bound between covers.

Amateur that I am, I know that I am a writer: I have always been a writer.